Day 10: Taking a Bathroom Break (or Many, Many, Many, Many Bathroom Breaks)

This post has been written for my coworkers.  I feel that I have to explain something about my new diet.  Part of my diet requires me to drink three liters of water per day.  Three liters is about 80 percent of a gallon.  To facilitate my drinking habit, I fill up a one-gallon jug every day, with the goal of finishing it off by the end of the day.  I told a friend of mine about my goal, and I was warned about the dangers of "water intoxication," also known as hyper-hydration or water poisoning.  This, of course, is a serious concern, but after some reading, I realized that I am really not in a risk category for this kind of danger. 

Anyway, drinking so much water has required me to go to the bathroom—a lot.  You probably don't want to know this, but I had to go to the bathroom 12 times today, and that doesn’t count what will happen after I go to bed in a few minutes.  In the olden days, I used to go a very small fraction of that.  But, it is a new age for me, and I have had to start getting used to going to the bathroom as much as my wife and daughters.  Seriously, I cannot go on any outing, whether a five-minute trip to the store or a twelve-hour drive to a resort, without having to stop every 30 minutes so someone can go to the bathroom.  Personally, I have always thought that this was intentionally done by my family just to ruffle me up.  After all, other than the dog, I am the only male in the house and I think that they try to gang up on me when they can.  In fact, after I go to work, I think they have some kind of family meeting over breakfast where they can discuss what they can do to drive me crazy when I get home. 

The fact is, we can't go anywhere without having to use the bathroom.  It makes me very grateful that we don't have pay toilets here in the United States, like they do in Europe.  I read this article on pay toilets the other day, which was really quite fascinating.  Apparently, we had them all over the United States (about 50,000) until the 1970s, when the Committee to End Pay Toilets in America was formed to end the pay toilet's reign of terror in the western hemisphere.  I looked the Committee up on the internet.  I had to find out who had the foresight to develop such a wonderful organization (they even gave out an annual Thomas Crapper Memorial Award to the person making an outstanding contribution to the cause of the Committee and free toilets). 

I was convinced that the person leading the charge was a married man with several daughters.  He was probably sick and tired of having to carry thirty pounds of quarters with him wherever he went so he could give money to his daughters to use the coin-operated commodes.  I was only kind of right.  Ira Gessel was only 19 when he led the charge to end pay toilets.  "You can have a fifty-dollar bill, but if you don't have a dime, that metal box is between you and relief" he once said.  I can't verify this, but I don't think he was married or that he had any daughters.  I bet he did have a lot of sisters though, and that his mom and dad were constantly raiding his piggy bank to get money for those siblings to go to the bathroom.  All I can say is "Thank you Ira Gessel," for helping me save money on my already ridiculously expensive children.

Personally, whether you have to pay for the toilet or it is free, I am not a fan of the public restroom.  In fact, I will generally "hold it" as long as is necessary so that I do not have to enter or use a public bathroom.  It takes an extreme emergency for me to be willing to utilize a public restroom—even if it is at one of those fancy places with an attendant.  (Actually, those fancy bathrooms are almost worse, because I know there is some guy in there waiting for me to go to the bathroom, which makes me nervous.  And, the guy usually expects a tip for his "services."  Of course, I never employ said services, so I end up having to tip a guy just so I can go to the bathroom.)  The hold it method is no longer a possibility.  I simply have way to much liquid in me to hold anything for more than a few minutes.  In fact, I have to go to the bathroom right now.  Please hold on a minute . . . . . . . . . Okay, I'm back. 

Anyway, all of this has a point, which is this:  I have to go to the bathroom A LOT.  Today, as I made my fifth trip to the bathroom, one of my coworkers looked at me with a very concerned look on her face.  I don't know if it was an "oh-he-must-be-sick" kind of concern or an "oh-here-he-goes-again-wasting-his-time-and-making-more-work-for-me" kind of concern, but the look was there.  Please know that I am healthy and that I am not slacking from work.  I am simply trying to keep up with all of the water I have to drink every day.