Day 68: The Elsie Diet

Today is my day off.  I like Fridays for this reason, particularly because I can spend some time with my daughters in the morning and drive them to school.  It is a fun time to talk and sing and play with them before they start their last day of the week.

Breakfast used to be a particularly fun part of the day, since I would make something "special" for them instead of their mother's eggs, or oatmeal, or fruit smoothies, or yogurt.  I would make waffles or crepes or something like that.  Of course, none of those things are compliant with the new lifestyle (now I have to eat things like eggs or oatmeal or fruit smoothies or yogurt), so breakfast is not as much fun anymore.

Anyway, today, as I was eating my Greek yogurt with frozen berries, my little girl Elsie sat down next to me.  Elsie is a bottomless pit.  The kid consumes mass quantities of food, and she does so constantly throughout the day.  I thought she was sitting down next to me to cuddle up and spend a little time with her dad without her sisters interrupting it.  I was wrong.  She really wanted some of my food.  I shared a bit with her and went back to eating.  She looked up at me and asked for more.  Soon, every other bite was for Elsie, then two out of every three bites.  Finally, I had to tell her it was my food and that I had to eat it.  She flashed me her "angry eyes" and then screamed at the top of her lungs.  Fear not, my friends, I held my ground.  I mean, I don't get that much to eat in a day, and I am going to defend what is rightfully mine--even if the person trying to steal it is only two years old.

Emily finally had to come over and resolve the issue by getting Elsie her own yogurt (I hadn't thought of this solution) and all was calm in the Merchant household once again.  As I finished eating, I thought about how Elsie was probably just trying to help.  She made my 315 calorie meal only 240 calories.  Not bad for a two year old.  I have now decided that I will bring Elsie along with me every time I eat.  That way I can have the benefit of someone eating about 55 percent of my meal for me.  Vicarious nutrition, it's a wonderful thing.

Things got worse, though, when two hours later I was eating my "candy bar" snack.  Candy bar is what my Live the Life diet calls protein bars.  While there are some protein bars that do taste like candy bars, the authorized ones don't.  I have to say, however, that once you have about 50 of them and you haven't eaten any real chocolate for three months, they grow on you.  So anyway, I was eating my "candy bar" and Elsie came over and asked for some.  I told her that it is not for little kids (it actually says something about this on the wrapper, but I don't know how true it is).  She started to whine, and I said no again.  I then took my second to last bite of the bar.  The problem started when I then got distracted.  The next thing I know, Elsie rushes me, grabs the bar and stuffs the entire thing in her mouth and smiles.  I was pretty mad, but what could I do?  She had drooled all over it.  I spent the next ten minutes cleaning the floor, the couchher shirt, her face, and her hands as she drooled chocolate saliva all over the pace (the bite was WAY to big for her mouth).  She then tired of chewing it (these protein bars require lots of chewing), and she spit it out on the floor for me to clean up.

I am not sure the Elsie diet is worth it.