Okay, so today I present my third idea for losing a little extra weight for that last weigh-in. I have to be honest, I am somewhat of a germaphobe, so this has been the hardest one for me to do. Fortunately, on Monday I was diagnosed with influenza, and I am excited to see the pounds just drop off. (Okay, I didn't really get influenza, but I am hoping my Christmas wish will be fulfilled soon; please, Santa!) I know this will be the case because I got the swine flu back when it was really, really cool to get it. Yes, I felt like I was dying and I wished a few times that the deed would actually be done so I could be put out of my misery, but I lost eight pounds in the process! Wouldn't it be awesome to lose eight pounds your last weigh-in?
Okay, so I know if you have watched any inane sitcom, you have already heard this idea. Skinny girls on TV are always saying how they just need one good bout of the flu to lose a little weight. The problem is that the never tell you how to actually GET the flu, only that you need to get it. Getting the flu is not as easy as you may think. You can't just waltz into the Centers for Disease Control's Influenza Research Laboratory and lick a Petri dish. So, here are a few ideas:
1. The first rule is the easiest: stop washing your hands. This, of course, goes without saying when you are trying to get sick. Clean hands make a healthy body. We want dirty hands to make a sick body. Absolutely no washing your hands. If you can't resist washing your hands, at least avoid using anti-bacterial soap. Use the soap at your child's elementary school. Actually, using the soap at your child's elementary school may be a better idea. My sister did her high school science fair project on soap and discovered that not washing your hands caused less bacterial buildup than using school soap (yes, the school soap actually aided in bacterial propagation).
2. Okay, this is similar to number one, but you must throw away all bottles of hand sanitizer. Look, this stuff isn't that great anyway. It dries out your hands and only kills 99.99 percent of germs (what about that last 0.01 percent?). I recently read that it can be toxic to children (I am not sure I believe this one, but I thought I would throw it in as a scare factor). Regardless of whether you actually use this, it won't matter. Methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) and the norovirus (stomach flu) have slowly become resistant to most hand sanitizers anyway (and believe me, it's norovirus that you want!).
3. If you can't break into a CDC lab and steal a Petri dish, you could at least volunteer at the CDC's influenza lab. Honestly, I don't know what it would take to do this. You may have to be a pre-med student to even get into one of these labs. Also, I think the lab is in Atlanta, which will make it hard for most to commit to this option The bottom line is, once you are in, you are set. It should only take you a few hours to contract the flu.
4. Here is another no-brainer: take public transportation. You don't have to necessarily go anywhere, just hop on, touch everything you can, and soak in the disease. If you are really lucky, get on an airplane where you are forced into an enclosed space. The benefit of most public transportation (and airlines like Southwest) is that you get to choose where you sit. Always pick a spot next to someone who looks sick and has not yet mastered the art of covering their mouth when they cough. Children are also good to sit by, as they tend to wipe snot on their hands, and then touch everything with them. Most importantly, look for gum or other food remnants under seats or on the floor. These should be chewed and ingested immediately. WARNING: You may also get other diseases doing this, including hepatitis, which will not help you lose weight until your liver is shot and you have to get a transplant. I do not recommend getting hepatitis.
5. Finally, when in doubt, do what a two-year-old would do. I know, some of you are thinking, "I was two years old 35 years ago, I have no idea what two-year-olds would do." Let me tell you. A child that is two is fixed in the oral stage. Everything (and I mean everything) goes in their mouth. This includes toys from day cares, churches, and (best of all) doctor's offices. Feel free to suck on, lick, kiss or otherwise eat toys, blankets, and anything else you come across.
I know there are lots more ideas that you may have, so feel free to share them. These are just a few ways to lose a few extra pounds before that last big weigh-in. More ideas tomorrow!
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