Okay, here are the last three things that I am doing to lose a little extra weight for the big day tomorrow. As you know, grooming is always something all people should take seriously. Overweight people must pay particular attention, because lack of grooming tends to cost us precious ounces on the scales. Here are three things you have to take care of before you get on the scale for that last weigh-in.
First, clip your finger and toe nails. I know, it is amazing that these things weigh anything at all, but clipping all of your finger and toe nails could save you a quarter-ounce of weight on the big day. That is almost 0.02 pounds! Trim them up people. This doesn't apply to the men reading (at least, I hope it doesn't), but ladies, do not wear finger or toe nail polish, you may think it only colors your nails, but it actually coats them in a fine layer of lacquer, and lacquer weighs!
Second, cut your hair. Do you know how much all that excess hair weighs? I know it may be hard, but chop it off. You must do as I must do. Shave everything: your head, your legs, your back (well, hopefully many of you don't have to do this, but I admit that I must. Indian genes, you know?). To prove to you why you must do this, I will now engage in some high-level mathematics. On your head alone, you have 150,000 strands of hair. Each 4.5 inches of your hair weighs approximately 0.62 milligrams. So, the hair on your head alone weighs 93,000 mg or 93 grams. Folks, that is almost a quarter-pound of excess weight! Get rid of it. In a world of beanies, fedoras, the famed toupee, and (for you women out there) Fredrica Wilson, you don't need hair anyway. By the way, a side benefit to no hair is no hair gel, mousse or spray.
Third, exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate. My suggestion is to go into a sauna, and sweat off five or six pounds worth of water, then get out and exfoliate. Exfoliate like the Romans of old did with one of those strigils and just scrape every bit of dead skin you have off of your body. Then shower, and repeat. You should do this until you have very little of your epidermis left. Believe me, you will be happy that you did. One last tid-bit for women. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, WEAR MAKEUP! Do you know that some of that stuff contains heavy metals? Do you know why the call them "heavy" metals? Because they have lots of mass, and mass converts into higher poundage. Keep that stuff off of your body and lose weight instantly!
So folks, I have told you all of my preparations for the final weigh-in tomorrow. I bet a few of you are thinking, "This is stupid, it is only a few ounces here and there." To you I say: you have completely missed the point. This is not about big losses, this is about ANY losses. At this point in the game, you do everything in your power to lose even 0.1 pound. Why? Because that 0.1 pound could be the difference between reaching your goal and being deemed a failure for the rest of your life. What do you want to be? A failure? I didn't think so.
Oh, and Merry Christmas everyone!
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