Okay, just a warning: this is a long post. But let me just say before you give up reading now, treachery is not a topic lightly discussed, and as such, not lightly written about either.
It was once said by the poet Swinburne that "The highest spiritual quality, the noblest property of mind a man can have, is this of loyalty . . . a man with no loyalty in him, with no sense of love or reverence or devotion due to something outside and above his poor daily life, with its pains and pleasures, profits and losses, is as evil a case as man can be."
Well, my friends (if any of you will want to call me your friends after what I admit today), I am that man with no loyalty in him, with no sense of love or reverence or devotion to something outside and above my poor daily life. Yes, I am as evil a case as a man can be. Let me tell you the story:
It all began a few days ago with the opening of the first Cafe Rio in Virginia. If you do not know what Cafe Rio is or if you do know what it is and have not eaten there, then I pity you. I was really excited for the big opening day and was all ready to go, when I got this email from my friend Paul. All of you know Paul from some of my previous posts. (Actually, since no one has commented on my blog in a few months (and no, I don't blame you for not doing so after my ridiculously long writing hiatus), I am not sure anyone is actually reading this, so maybe saying "all of you" is wishful thinking.) Anyway, Paul sends me this email saying he can't go opening day (we had planned to celebrate Cafe Rio in Virginia by going to opening day together) because he will be on his annual trip to New England. This of course greatly disappointed me, but being a loyal friend, I told him that I would not go without him.
Well, you know all of the stories I have told you about failing to put down the donut or the cookies or cake or brownie or whatever? Apparently Cafe Rio is just as hard to resist. On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting at home alone, thinking of what to eat for lunch, when I remembered Cafe Rio. I called Paul, who very inconveniently was not home. (Paul had returned from his trip to Kennebunkport, Maine on Friday, so I figured he would be around on Saturday. Actually, had I known he was in a place called Kennebunkport (which incidentally is the summer home of the Bush Family) I probably wouldn't have cared about waiting for him and would have likely left him in the dust on my way to Cafe Rio without any guilt. As it was, I only discovered this little known fact with evening after looking on Facebook and seeing a picture his wife posted on Facebook a week ago. Yeah, I know, why was I looking at pictures from a week ago? If you must know, I will simply say that I am a bad Facebook friend and I try to catch up on all of peoples' goings on at the end of the week. (If you are wondering if this is an efficient way of being a Facebook friend, the answer is no, it is not.) Anyway, Kenebunkport actually has a subtitle: "The Place to Be All Year." I mean seriously, a subtitle? No self-respecting town should have a subtitle. Kennebunkport doesn't seem to mind though--the town has actually gotten the phrase trademarked, which is ridiculous, but I digress.)
So, after calling Paul and not getting an answer, I continued to sit at home, sulking at the fact that I couldn't get a Cafe Rio salad because he wasn't home, regretting that I had promised I would wait for him. I did this until about 3:00 in the afternoon, when I was near death from starvation and could take it no longer. I got in the car, and I went to Cafe Rio. When I got there, the line was so long that they were regulating the number of people that could enter the building. I rolled my eyes, screwed my courage to the sticking place,* and waiting. About half way through the line, my inner voice started talking to me. You are a man with no loyalty in him. In fact, you are not even a man. You have no sense of love or reverence or devotion to anything outside and above your poor daily life. Yes, my inner voice said to me, you are as evil a case as a man (or a boy or a creature or a thing--whatever you are) can be. And, my inner voice added, that is why you are being punished with this long line. Now, you will have to not just endure eating a whole meal with the pain of disloyalty, but you will have to do it after mulling that pain over in your head for the next 45 minutes while you wait.
It was at this point I knew I had to admit to the world what I had done: better me than Denise, I thought. Yes, it was a moment of weakness. Yes, I didn't get any food from Cafe Rio in the end, but the fact remains: I tried. Had there been no line I would have succumbed to weakness and eaten Cafe Rio (though perhaps, just perhaps, that was the very reason why that line was there?) Regardless, I owe Paul an apology. Paul, if you are out there, and if you still read this blog, know this: You have followed me on this journey since Day 1. It has been hard for me, particularly recently, but you have always been there. I am sorry that I failed you, old friend. I am sorry that though the highest spiritual quality, the noblest property of mind a man can have, is this of loyalty, you have me as a friend.
*Today is an exciting day because my entire life I have wanted to use this phrase from the great tragedy Macbeth in my writing, and I have finally been able to do it. It is pretty awesome. Once, in high school, I took a writing-intensive AP class. A fellow pupil claimed that I could not use the word "smorgasbord" in every assignment I turned in. I took this challenge on, and I won. Had he dared me to use the phrase "screw your courage to the sticking place," I do not think I would have been able to do it. Anyway, you have to love Shakespeare. I mean, how did this guy come up with this stuff? In celebration of this feat, I would like to treat everyone to a free meal at Cafe Rio. Just walk up to the front of the line, tell them Jeff sent you, and tell them the password (which is, of course, "screw your courage to the sticking place"), order your meal, and enjoy!
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