So, the last few days I have found myself eating with reckless abandon. I have pretty much given up on eating well at all (except for no sugar). Even the sugar-free thing has been really, really hard. I have been trying to figure out why, and I realized that eating is a part of how I grieve. Just like when I am happy, sad, angry, frustrated, bored, etc., I apparently eat when I grieve. This week I lost my Aunt Judy. She was a wonderful person that I have been very close to my whole life. She is the kind of aunt who really is really more of a second mother than a distant acquaintance or relative. She was diagnosed with multiple brain tumors about a month ago, and was told with radiation, she could live two to five years. Last Thursday, out of the blue, she started doing poorly and in a matter of days, she passed away. We all knew she would go, but it has been a bit of a shock to lose her so fast.
Grieving, of course, is something we all go through, and how we handle it can affect our happiness, both in the short-term and in the long-term. I am so disappointed with myself for pretty much all of the food choices I have made recently (I haven't eaten a fast-food hamburger in a long time--don't ask how many I have had in the last four days). The worst thing is that this is all happening at the same time I am trying to change not just what I eat, but who I am. I want to be that guy you know that eats and lives healthy. The guy who can pass up a piece of cake because he just isn't interested. Who spends his time plotting a jogging route instead of plotting a driving route to stop by his favorite fast-food place. The kind of guy that you say to your friend, "Oh, I know a guy that only eats kale and sea weed chips." (Okay, maybe not that kind of guy.)
Anyway, the real question, I guess, is what I do? I know I will work through the grief, but do I just let it run its course, eat to feel better, and then get back on track? Or, do I muscle my way through refusing the bad food choices, and try to change the way I grieve? The problem is that it is hard enough to eat well as it is, and now, I have the added pain of losing someone that I have cared deeply for and who has been intimately involved in just about every aspect of my life since the day I was born. Honestly, I want to muscle through it, I am just not sure if I can.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry about your aunt. That's so hard. I don't know what to tell you. I gained the bulk of my weight after my nephew's death, through my last pregnancy, and with post-partum depression after Cosette. Honestly, I feel the biggest reason I've been successful this year is because my life settled down enough for me to focus on changing my habits. Hopefully, I've made it enough of a habit/lifestyle that if something happened now, I would use different coping mechanisms.
They say if you replace your addiction with something else, you'll be more successful. But it's just not as fun replacing eating with running. I'm sure your aunt wouldn't want you making unhealthy choices though. And I know you can do it! Don't give up!!
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